Youth Resources and Frequently Asked Questions

If you are feeling confused about your sexuality or would like more information about finding support, please use these resources to your advantage. 

For more information on the following topics, please call 877.90ZEBRA or write info@zebrayouth.org. If you are having an emergency, please dial 911.

I think I might be LGBTQ but I’m not sure. How will I know?

There are a few things that you should consider when asking yourself this question. First, remember that who you are sexually attracted to is not set in stone but at the same time you can not turn that attraction on or off like flipping a switch. Second, it is normal for people to feel a number of attractions especially during adolescence. The best thing to remember is that if you find yourself being sexually attracted to the same sex then that could be the first indication that you might be LGBTQ. Ask yourself several questions. Are you physically attracted to people of the same sex? Do you feel an emotional bond with a person of the same sex? Would you consider an intimate relationship with a person of the same sex? If the answer to any of these questions is yes then there is a good chance that you might be LGBTQ. However, remember that no one can tell you what you feel but yourself and you are the only one that can add up all the factors and determine what that means to you.

www.freetobeme.com
www.gaylife.about.com/cs/comingout/f/comingoutfaq.htm

Is being gay a choice?

According to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, "The mechanisms for the development of a particular sexual orientation remain unclear, but the current literature and most scholars in the field state that one’s sexual orientation is not a choice; that is, individuals do not choose to be homosexual or heterosexual.” There are a number of factors that are considered to be the reason that someone is gay, including genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences. However, the consensus among the scientific community is that sexual orientation is predetermined.

AAP Clinical Report
PEDIATRICS Vol. 113 No. 6 June 2004, pp. 1827-1832
Sexual Orientation and Adolescents
Barbara L. Frankowski, MD, MPH and Committee on Adolesence
www.aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;113/6/1827#R8

Is it ok to be LGBTQ?

Yes. Being LGBTQ is as natural as being straight. The American Psychiatric Association declared in 1973 that homosexuality is not a mental disorder or disease, and the American Psychological Association says that it would be unethical to try to change a person’s sexual orientation. All major medical organizations, including The American Psychiatric Association, The American Psychological Association, and the American Academy of Pediatrics agree that homosexuality is not an illness or disorder, but a form of sexual expression.

American Academy of Pediatrics
www.aap.org/publiced/BR_GayTeen.htm
PFLAG – Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth
www.pflag.com

Can “ex-gay” ministries and “reparative therapy” help me?

The scientific community regards reparative therapy or any other programs that claim to change someone who is homosexual to being heterosexual as dangerous and unethical. The American Academy of Pediatrics “advises youth that counseling may be helpful for you if you feel confused about your sexual identity. Avoid any treatments that claim to be able to change a person’s sexual orientation, or treatment ideas that see homosexuality as a sickness”. The American Psychiatric Association “opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as reparative or conversion therapy which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a prior assumption that the patient should change his/her sexual homosexual orientation”.

Just the Facts Coalition. (2008). Just the facts about sexual orientation and youth: A primer for principals, educators, and school personnel. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Retrieved from www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/justthefacts.html.
Report (January 2008)

What is gender identity? What does transgender mean?

The term "gender identity," distinct from the term "sexual orientation," refers to a person's innate, deeply felt psychological identification as male or female, which may or may not correspond to the person's body or designated sex at birth (meaning what sex was originally listed on a person's birth certificate).

Gender identity can be defined as “a person's inner sense of being male or female, usually developed during early childhood as a result of parental rearing practices and societal influences and strengthened during puberty by hormonal changes”, or “being a person who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which corresponds to the person's sex at birth”.

Thus, term transgender refers to someone whose gender identity or expression differs from conventional expectations for their physical sex.

www.hrc.org
www.dictionary.reference.com/browse/gender+identity
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/transgender
PFLAG – Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth
www.pflag.com

I thought LGBTQ people act certain ways. If I don’t fit a stereotype, am I still LGBTQ?

Don’t worry about stereotypes. Be yourself. LGBTQ people come in all different shapes and sizes and act all sorts of different ways. Stereotypes arise out of ignorance and prejudice. Sometimes a stereotype about a group doesn’t fit anyone in that group. Sometimes it fits a few people, sometimes more. But a stereotype never fits everyone in any group.

www.angelfire.com/ok/longship/answers1.html#type

I don’t always see myself reflected in the LGBTQ community. Are there resources for youth of color?

These days there are increasingly more and more resources for LGBTQ people of all different races and ethnicities including people with multiple ethnicities. LGBTQ youth of color have a unique and sometimes more difficult time finding acceptance within their communities. There are multiple impacts of being LGBTQ and a person of color in our society, being LGBTQ in your community of color and then also dealing with the racism and ignorance that are found in some segments of the LGBTQ community. Here is a list of resources for LGBTQ youth of multicultural ethnicity:

ASIAN AND PACIFIC ISLANDER FAMILY PRIDE
 http://www.apifamilypride.org/
ASIAN & PACIFIC ISLANDER RESOURCE CENTER
 http://www.apiwellness.org/home.html
AQU25A
 http://www.apiwellness.org/youth.html
BAY AREA AMERICAN INDIAN TWO SPIRITS
 http://www.baaits.org/
BLACK BROTHERS ESTEEM
 http://www.sfaf.org/bbe
BLACK COALITION ON AIDS
 http://www.bcoa.org/
THE BLACK LIST
 http://www.blacklistproject.com/About.htm
BOOKER T. WASHINGTON COMMUNITY CENTER
 http://www.btwcsc.org
CALIFORNIANS FOR JUSTICE
 http://www.caljustice.org/cfj_live/index.php
HORIZONS
 http://www.horizons-sf.org
TRIKONE
http://www.trikone.org
VIETNAMESE YOUTH DEVELOPMENT CENTER
 http://vydc.org
YOUTH TOGETHER
 http://www.youthtogether.net

List taken from LYRIC
http://www.lyric.org/resources/youth_of_color_resources.html

Do I need to worry about HIV and AIDS?

Whether you are gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, white, black, green or purple, everyone needs to be informed on HIV and AIDS. AIDS does not discriminate and your actions can be the determining factor for putting yourself at risk. Some people view HIV/AIDS as something that is an issue for only the LGBTQ community but that is far from the truth. The truth is that being LGBTQ does not give you AIDS. Certain sexual practices, drug use, and other factors can put you at risk for catching HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, as well as other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Everyone needs to get the facts about HIV/AIDS.

Listed below are some good sites for facts on HIV/AIDS:

Will people accept me?

Unfortunately, there is prejudice and discrimination against many different people and groups. People are prejudiced against people of certain ethnicities, races, gender, people with disabilities and even LGBTQ people. The sad fact is that you will face discrimination at some point because you are LGBTQ but that does not mean that you will not be accepted. According to the 2010 Gallup poll on Values and Beliefs in America "the moral acceptability of gay and lesbian relations" has reached 52%. This is an all time high in the ten years the poll has been conducting this research and marks an important turning point in that more then half the nation finds LGBTQ people morally acceptable. Although this will vary between communities, the nation as a whole is becoming more LGBTQ friendly. Acceptance will take some people longer then others but this is promising news for the future.

http://www.gallup.com/poll/135764/Americans-Acceptance-Gay-Relations-Crosses-Threshold.aspx

I feel so alone. Who can I talk to?

Try not to feel alone because you are not! There are plenty of people, places, and websites that can help. Find someone who you trust to talk to. This could be a friend, family member, teacher, or counselor. If you’re not sure of anyone to talk to, try and gauge people’s reactions to the LGBTQ community by asking general questions. For example: “I was watching a TV show with gay people. Do you know anyone who is gay?” or “There were kids in my class making fun of a kid who was gay. Do you think that is wrong?” Be prepared for many different types of answers to these questions. You might not get the response you’re looking for. If that is the case, remember that this is not a personal attack on you and most likely the people you’re asking these questions to will not know you’re gay. If you don’t find a person to talk to, you still have plenty of other options. You can call hotline networks where people will listen to what you have to say, free of judgment. Many schools have gay/straight alliances that are good places to talk about issues or feelings you may have. If you don’t have one at your school you can look up other schools in your area that do. Never feel alone. There are plenty of people that you can talk to for help.

Toll-Free Helplines:

  • The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386
  • The Gay & Lesbian National Hotline: (888) 843-4564
  • The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743
  • The National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-RUNAWAY
  • Gay Straight Alliance Network: http://gsanetwork.org/

Should I come out? Who should I tell?

You should only come out if you feel that you are ready and feel safe doing so. Do not feel pressured to come out because someone tells you to do it. Coming out is up to you and no one but yourself can make that decision. Hiding the fact that you’re LGBTQ is referred to as “being in the closet.” Being open about it is called “coming out.” You can come out to one person, to friends and family only, or to everyone you know. It’s up to you.

There are good reasons on both sides of coming out or staying in the closet. There are real risks in coming out. Some people might not take this news well. Some people might say or do awful things and these people could be your friends, classmates, and teachers, people you love or depend on for financial help, companionship, encouragement, or other support. There are also very good reasons to come out. By coming out you can live with integrity, begin building community support and form healthy relationships. At some point, many LGBTQ people find that the loneliness and isolation of keeping a secret is worse than any fear of coming out.

However, before you come out to anyone, you need to come out to yourself. Make sure you are okay with being and identifying yourself as LGBTQ. It might be a good idea to educate yourself about sexual orientation and gender identity. You will also want a support group. You’ll need people who care about you that will be there for you whether it is for a shoulder to cry on, someone you can vent to, or someone who can give you a place to stay if necessary. If you don’t feel like you know anyone who can do this for you, contact one of the resources below.

For information on coming out:

Support for coming out:

Start by only telling people that you feel need to know and that you can trust. The coming out process is not something that happens overnight. You might tell one person right away but others you might wait to tell. There are some things to consider when you are deciding to tell people about your sexual orientation or gender identity. Think about what you might lose by telling someone. If it’s a parent, will they kick you out? Cut you off from your friends? If it’s a friend will they stop being friends with you? Will they tell other students at school? You should also consider what you could lose by not telling someone. Is your relationship with your family or friends being strained because you’re hiding this from them? Would you become closer with them by sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity? Keep in mind that the way a person acts when finding out someone outside their circle is gay can be very different from the way they react to finding out their own son, daughter, or family member is gay. Their reaction could be either more positive or more negative. Just remember this: You don’t have to tell everyone at once. You only need to tell the people you feel comfortable telling. Only tell people when you are ready.

PFLAG – Be Yourself: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth
www.pflag.com

How do I come out to my parents?

Coming out to your parents is a big step and there are a few things that you should consider before doing so. First try to figure out how your parents feel towards gay people in general. You can do this by watching their reaction to gay people in movies or on TV. This will be somewhat of a skewed perspective as these are fictional characters. Try asking the same type of questions to your parents as you asked to other people before telling them. If your parents have positive responses to those questions then chances are that they will accept you as an LGBTQ person.

However, if you think that your parents will react badly to you coming out, it might be a good idea to wait to tell them until you are able to support yourself without their help or have a safe place to go in a worst-case scenario of them kicking you out of the house.

If you decided that you want to tell your parents and you think they will be able to handle the news, then you should have a plan. There are resources available to you for this process. The Human Rights Campaign has a pamphlet that is very helpful on ways to come out. You can call your local PFLAG chapter and speak to a parent that already went through this and get tips and advice from them. You’ll want to have the discussion in a calm and frank manner but be prepared for emotions to run high.

Try and think about what your parent’s reactions will be. They will most likely have a lot of questions and you should be prepared to answer them. Many will want to know if you’re sexually active. They might worry that you’ll catch HIV/AIDS, or that you will be ostracized in school and eventually in the work place. Remember that your parents love you and that these fears and concerns stem from that fact. Be ready to not only answer these types of questions, or not answer if you don’t feel comfortable with some of them. For any question that you cannot answer, be able to guide your parents to resources so they can get more information.

Remember to have other people to be there to support you through this process. Even though coming out to your parents might be a relatively easy process, it’s still emotionally difficult and the more people you have supporting you the better.

Resources for coming out

Resources for parents:

Will I lose my straight friends and where do I find LGBTQ friends?

You will probably not lose your straight friends when you tell them you’re LGBTQ. However, everyone’s reaction is different. Some people will be totally okay with it and might even have already guessed that you were LGBTQ. Others might need some time to adjust to the news. Either way, your true friends will stick with you through this.

There are many ways to find LGBTQ friends in your community. Finding new friends who are LGBTQ is really important – friends who know exactly what you’re going through because they’ve “been there,” or are in the process of coming out themselves. First, see if your school has a gay/straight alliance or other gay student organization. In most major cities there are LGBTQ youth organizations that you can get in contact with to try and make LGBTQ friends. In these settings you don’t need to guess whether or not the people there are LGBTQ. If you’re not in a major city, look up websites that can get you in contact with other peers.

Gay Straight Alliance Network
 http://gsanetwork.org/national-directory

What do I do if I’m being harassed at school? What can I do about it?

The first thing you should do is talk with a supportive teacher or faculty member. You have a right to a safe learning environment. You can also look up the policies that your school and state have on bullying and harassment. Recent legal rulings hold schools responsible for preventing anti-LGBTQ abuse in some cases, and some states have anti-discrimination laws that apply to educational institutions.

Check out for helpful resources on how to deal with anti-gay bullying:
“A Student's Guide To Surviving Anti-Gay (LGBTQ) Harassment And Physical or Sexual Assault
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/

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